Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Today was a big day.
I always shed a lot of hair in the shower, but on Wednesday, I noticed a lot more coming out when I washed it. It seemed like the hair losing process was beginning...and while my actual head of hair didn't look so different, by day 17 every time I touched my hair, more would come out.
The trauma and stress of not being able to touch it, wash it, and seeing all of that hair come out, while I was also feeling terrible from round #2 of chemo was just more awful than the thought of shaving it all off.
By Friday night, I resolved that it was time to do it. I told several people I was going to, knowing that would help me have the guts to *actually* do it. We decided to shave it all off on Saturday morning, as soon as I felt up to it. That took some doing...mostly because I felt terrible and couldn't get out of bed. I finally ate enough, found a piece of hard candy to suck on to keep the nausea at bay, and mustered up enough energy to sit on a stool in the bathroom while Ben did the hard work.
He was amazing. He made sure to do it exactly how I wanted, when I was ready, and he was so sweet and calm and kind throughout the whole thing. I know it's just hair, but I had some GOOD hair! And this wasn't a haircut I was excited about or choosing, so I know it was hard for him to have to be the one to run the clippers.
...but he made me feel beautiful and loved even though I felt so sick and sad and scared.
When it was all over, I mostly felt relief.
I didn't look TERRIBLE. I could work with this.
So I put on some earrings and makeup and got ready to show the kids. They knew we were doing it, and knew it was coming, so they were prepared. It definitely caught them off guard and they made some funny faces while they processed my new look. In the end though, they both agreed it looked ok--and I still looked like "me"!
My default "look" will probably be natural and bald -- because right now, that's who I am and what I look like, and I don't want to hide it or pretend it isn't. And since I'll be doing chemo through the fall, I have a long time before it starts really growing back.
But, I like to accessorize far too much to keep it that simple. Don't be surprised to see all kind of varieties of wigs, hats, bandanas, scarves and earrings decorating my clean slate head! I've already started a pretty good collection...
(Believe it or not, that first picture is a wig, not "old me.")
I know I have a lot of hurdles to go over on this journey, but this was a big and scary one for me. I feel like it went well, and I'm ok with this GI Jane, tough-girl look for a while.
Attitude is everything. Life is 10% of what you make it and 90% of how you take it.
Now when will they let me get my first tattoo??? I'm definitely ready now...